Why is it so hard to say good bye to something that you know is so right? I'm talking about every time I have to leave my cowboy. Either when I am flying home from Texas or he is flying home from MN. It is so hard. We truely belong together. I have no doubts in my mind about that whatsoever. But the hardest part of being together is having to say goodbye. I really really really do NOT like it one bit. Even though we know we will see each other again, it hurts my heart so badly. I cannot even being to explain how it feels every time I have to tell him goodbye.
I have never been as happy in my life as when we spend time together. We are absolutely and completely in love. I know it sounds like a teenager speaking but I cannot explain how right we are together. We complete each other. I believe we are soul mates. He is getting me to enjoy life again. He is teaching me to do things that I want, asks me my opinion, listens to my needs, and tells me that my decisions are mine alone, and to do them for me. That brings me to my next dilima.
School....I finally got into nursing school. I am good at the classes and love what I am learning. But I keep wondering why I want to be a nurse? It started out cuz I want to care for people. But I can do that in many ways. Then it came down to money. I want to be able to have a "good life" and not "want" for things. That sounds very selfish. Do I want to go into a career change (when I graduate, I will be 1 month shy of turning 50), and I am already having a very difficult time finding a job doing anything. Are prospective employers going to hire someone who is 50 over someone who is 20+ knowing I'll retire in about 15 years or so?? I don't know. I understand there are many options that will be available to me to apply my nursing degree (or so I'm told), but that is what I was told about getting a degree in Education also.
When I ask Brian what I should do, he says it is what ever I want. He will not make the decision for me to stay or to leave. He will (and does) support whatever decision I make. My son says I should do what makes me happy, not do what everyone else expects me to do.
I do know that I cannot continue to go to school without a job. Not having any money makes a person feels useless (to a point). Here I am 47 years old and need to borrow money just to live cuz I am over qualified for most jobs or don't have the right training for other jobs. I "dumbed myself down" on the last few applications just so I can potentially get interviews. School is about $15000 per year and I will be in debt over $50000 by the time I'm done. I keep wondering if I am supposed to be doing this. But why then would I have been led down this path to attend nursing school if that wasn't what I am supposed to do? School is working so well for me cuz I haven't been working and can spend my extra time studying. Which, trust me, has definately helped me a lot. But I NEED an income. I cannot pay for phone, car insurance, gas, etc without one. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place (that's the saying and I really understand it now).
I am so lucky that my sister is letting me stay with her rent free. She has been remarkable at helping me with my living situation and things in general. And my parents have been wonderful too borrowing me money just to survive. If it weren't for my family, I would be in a really bad place. Both of my children are so supportive of my getting divorced (they both say we whould have done this a few years ago), and they are wonderful support for me. But I don't want to rely on others for support. I like to be the one supporting others. Grrr!!
So, do I stay in school for 2 more years continuing to go further into debt and be away form someone who makes me feel important, complete, beautiful, and worthwhile just by being me? or should I move on and find a job and get on with life? I know the decision is mine and I have to do what is best for me. But I don't know what that is because if I would decide not to go to school I would disappoint sooooo many people. I have a lot of people rooting for me. My cowboy supports me no matter what, but I want him to be around me more. He can't live up here cuz of health issues and our weather, and I can't go there cuz of school. He has offered, but also doesn't have work up here. He does remodeling, and that type of work is hard to find. Again.... grrrrr!!!
Ok, enough for now, just feels good to write stuff out. I need to get back to studying.
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